I feel like it probably doesn't make much since, but being a mom (much to my surprise) conflicts with all my natural tendencies. At the church right now the staff is learning about themselves and how we can better work together through a book called StrengthFinders 2.0. One of my "strengths" is responsibility and seemed to tell me the first time I read my description that I was not "made" to be a parent. This is just part of the description:
"It’s very likely that you conduct yourself in a proper, ethical, legal, and upright manner to avoid feeling you have done something wrong. You truly regret making a mistake, violating a rule, breaking a trust, or producing poor results. You set high standards for yourself in various areas of your life. "
As I read this I added the words "as a parent" to the end of each sentence. These are all very true statements of the way my mind works consistently. I want to do everything "right" when it comes to being Sam's mom. Being "right" is difficult though because I am trying so hard to trust my instincts and stand by the things that I still believe are true, but feel overwhelmed that my philosophies are wrong and are going to somehow hurt Sam.
Case in point:
Crying - I have always believed and still believe that it doesn't hurt him to cry, however all the "right" people say that at this age I am keeping him from building attachment and feeling safe. So what do I do?
Naps and Waketime - I put him down after feeding him, having some playtime and he wakes right back up. So I lay him on his play mat while I finish doing whatever needs to be done, sending an email, getting ready, cleaning etc. Now I have a couple things weighing on me.
First, he's not following the Babywise "infant management plan" (that we have great testimonies to working) that says it will help him sleep through the night and be a pleasant and happy kid. Yet in reality he is a month old and will consistently sleep around 5 1/2 hrs at a time at night. That seems good to me. So again what do I do?
Second, when he is awake, I have the voice in the back of my head saying that I should be interacting with him because he is awake. I need to be talking to him, reading to him, singing to him or playing with him, but as mentioned above, he doesn't always nap consistently, so if I hope to get things done around the house I may have to do them while he is awake. Again the right people make me feel as if he is not going to develop language skills if it is quiet in the house or I fail to interact with him enough. So I wonder is the fact that I have music on in the back ground good enough or do I need to do more?
So here I am wanting to be a good mom and get it all right, but everyday I am battling the 2 angels (my instincts and "the experts") on my shoulders, so to speak, fighting over what I "should" be doing. I haven't entirely decided which side is winning or will win, but this is where I am at today in this journey of parenting.
Hunting Unique Rabbits
Gayle
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Practically Perfect in Every Way ...
Gayle and I have always been suckers for musicals and this musical inspired post is brought to you by none other then Mary Poppins, "Practically Perfect in Every Way."
We have been noticing a pattern with the little Samster (current attempt at a pet name, among others)... lots and I do mean lots of people keep on using this phrase, "well He's just perfect," in that cute high pitched voice that all humans use when talking to babies or puppies. Although we realize that this is meant as a compliment and we appreciate everyone's affection for our sweet boy, we are also finding that if he is indeed practically perfect, there are times that perfection looks kinda funny and creates some very interesting and unintended side effects.
1) Perfection is a very difficult standard to live up to. For instance, the pressure of raising a perfect kid puts a lot of pressure on not so perfect parents. As Gayle has begun this journey of motherhood blessed with a perfectionist bent anyway, she finds it difficult not to place high expectations of perfection on herself and Sam at times. If Sam doesn't sleep when he's "supposed to" or eat like he is "supposed to" then somehow one or both of them is failing. With that she has found herself having to fight against the tendency to be too hard on herself, reminding herself multiple times a day that she is not "practically perfect" and that Sam, although wonderful and cute will eventually have his "practically perfect" status tainted as well. So I feel like if you truly engage the process of parenting you come to realize that perfection is NOT you. So many times I have heard about Child Development, why doesn't anyone talk about Parent Development?
2) Perfection is never going to happen this side of heaven. Myself, Gayle, and yes practically perfect Sam are flawed. We are humans; flawed humans attempting to raise another human. I don't think perfection is going to come out of two imperfect people. Not to mention that we all have needs. Let's take the less ethereal needs (like Maslow's "self-actualization") and focus on the basics. Sleep for instance has become a precious commodity. As we have come to appreciate sleep more than ever, I have begun to realize the idea that working together with Gayle is more important then ever. Creating schedules that consider not just me but all three of our basic needs to sleep is critical to the happiness of our home. It has been a struggle, but a good struggle to realize that I have to offer up meeting my needs (which I have come to realize are really wants) so that we, the family, can have all our needs met. Maybe God is using this situation to allow me to give of myself in ways I never thought I could.
3) Perfection cries a lot. Where as Gayle and I can communicate verbally, Sam only cries. There is no differentiation between dirty diaper, hungry, sleepy, overstimulated, bored, lonely, or anything else he maybe wanting. There are differences in the cry that can be decoded by the extremely trained ear, most of which the mother unit is better at detecting, but it still never changes mode ... cry. God is teaching me patience and determination by sometimes having to try what feels like hundreds of things to comfort him.
4) Perfection digs up a lot of personal stuff. I don't know what it is about having children but, all of those insecurities that I thought I had dealt with all the way back in high school or college seem to have reappeared fresh. I had a supervisor say that she thought that she was a pretty selfless person until she had a kid. I am beginning to think I was a pretty well balanced person until I had a kid. Let me stop here, it is not that the child is the one who is making me lose my sense of balance, selflessness, sanity or sleep for that matter, the child is merely God's grace by which he shows me that I did not have it as "together" as I thought. This is a great lesson in humility.
So, maybe The Perfect is using three imperfect people to teach each other about what perfect is ... and what it is not. When I think I have to be a perfect parent it is really just my impatience rearing it head. I don't have to do everything perfect right now. Gayle and I have 18 years worth of practice, trial and error, and more then likely daily mistakes along the way. After all, it is our mistakes and successes that make this journey unique to us. I hope you have gotten a word of encouragement as we like you are Finding Unique Rabbits.
Finding a few Unique Rabbits,
Ethan and Gayle
1) Perfection is a very difficult standard to live up to. For instance, the pressure of raising a perfect kid puts a lot of pressure on not so perfect parents. As Gayle has begun this journey of motherhood blessed with a perfectionist bent anyway, she finds it difficult not to place high expectations of perfection on herself and Sam at times. If Sam doesn't sleep when he's "supposed to" or eat like he is "supposed to" then somehow one or both of them is failing. With that she has found herself having to fight against the tendency to be too hard on herself, reminding herself multiple times a day that she is not "practically perfect" and that Sam, although wonderful and cute will eventually have his "practically perfect" status tainted as well. So I feel like if you truly engage the process of parenting you come to realize that perfection is NOT you. So many times I have heard about Child Development, why doesn't anyone talk about Parent Development?
2) Perfection is never going to happen this side of heaven. Myself, Gayle, and yes practically perfect Sam are flawed. We are humans; flawed humans attempting to raise another human. I don't think perfection is going to come out of two imperfect people. Not to mention that we all have needs. Let's take the less ethereal needs (like Maslow's "self-actualization") and focus on the basics. Sleep for instance has become a precious commodity. As we have come to appreciate sleep more than ever, I have begun to realize the idea that working together with Gayle is more important then ever. Creating schedules that consider not just me but all three of our basic needs to sleep is critical to the happiness of our home. It has been a struggle, but a good struggle to realize that I have to offer up meeting my needs (which I have come to realize are really wants) so that we, the family, can have all our needs met. Maybe God is using this situation to allow me to give of myself in ways I never thought I could.
3) Perfection cries a lot. Where as Gayle and I can communicate verbally, Sam only cries. There is no differentiation between dirty diaper, hungry, sleepy, overstimulated, bored, lonely, or anything else he maybe wanting. There are differences in the cry that can be decoded by the extremely trained ear, most of which the mother unit is better at detecting, but it still never changes mode ... cry. God is teaching me patience and determination by sometimes having to try what feels like hundreds of things to comfort him.
4) Perfection digs up a lot of personal stuff. I don't know what it is about having children but, all of those insecurities that I thought I had dealt with all the way back in high school or college seem to have reappeared fresh. I had a supervisor say that she thought that she was a pretty selfless person until she had a kid. I am beginning to think I was a pretty well balanced person until I had a kid. Let me stop here, it is not that the child is the one who is making me lose my sense of balance, selflessness, sanity or sleep for that matter, the child is merely God's grace by which he shows me that I did not have it as "together" as I thought. This is a great lesson in humility.
So, maybe The Perfect is using three imperfect people to teach each other about what perfect is ... and what it is not. When I think I have to be a perfect parent it is really just my impatience rearing it head. I don't have to do everything perfect right now. Gayle and I have 18 years worth of practice, trial and error, and more then likely daily mistakes along the way. After all, it is our mistakes and successes that make this journey unique to us. I hope you have gotten a word of encouragement as we like you are Finding Unique Rabbits.
Finding a few Unique Rabbits,
Ethan and Gayle
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